what have women and oral sex got in common ?????

one slip of the tongue and your in the shit

a gambler went into a butchers and bet the butcher €100 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.

the butcher declined saying the "stakes" are too high! heheheheheheheheheehehehe

one friday morning teacher announces to the class that she is going to give them a test, and whoever gets the answers right gets a half day. teacher asks the first question " who said i have a dream" little johnny waves his hand like mad, mary puts her hand up and says "martin luther king miss" teacher says correct get your coat and you can go home. then she asks "who said one small step" again little johnny waves his hand like mad and sarah puts her hand up and says "niel armstrong miss" teacher says well done you can go home too. johnny is fuming and shouts "I WISH THOSE BITCHES KEPT THEIR MOUTHS SHUT!!!" teacher looks up and says who said that little johnny stands up and says "TIGER WOODS MISS" and he grabs his coat and says see you monday miss and walks out

Last edited by limericksown (2010-07-30 15:34:32)

Friday morn'....a school..." Whoever answers the next question , go's home "......a pair of no. 8's roll slowly up the classroom...."Righto ,who's the comedian with the two black ball's " ?......." Sammy Davis junior Miss....see ya monday " !!!

Boom-Boom !!!

no point in posting, last time tried posting something funny got banned.Discrimination against the settled community!

Julius Caesar was stood in the Forum, making a speech.
"Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears! I plan to go to Gaul, and not only will I conquer it, I'll kill 50,000 of the bastards!"

He duly went to Gaul, conquered it, came back, and declared both his victory and the number of deaths at 50,000.

Months later, after many tales had been spread around Rome as to his glory, he was in the Forum again, giving a speech about plans to conquer Germania, when Brutus piped up.

"Excuse me, mighty Caesar, but for all your talk of the glorious conquest and killing 50,000 Gauls, you talk a load of shiticus."

"I don't know what you mean", replied Caesar.

"I went to Gaul recently, just to verify your claims. I'll admit you conquered it, but you didn't kill 50,000 Gauls. You only killed 25,000."

"Ah, but Brutus, you're forgetting something."

"What's that?"

"Away Gauls count double in Europe."

Guy goes in to the doctor says " doc I've got a pain in my eyes"
Doctor says " Ah tell me this do you masturbate?"
Guy says a little embarrassed " Yeah sometimes"
Doctor says " Its fantastic isn't it"

I'll get my Jacket

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

This comes under the "And they make jokes about us" Category....


***************
Compilation of actual answers by British exam students (with their spellings(.



§  Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.



§  The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, 'Am I my brother's son?'



§  Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.



§  Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.



§  The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.



§  Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.



§  Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.



§  In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the Java.

§  Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.



§  Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of  March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.'



§  Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.



§  Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.



§  In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.



§  Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.



§  Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen.' As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted 'hurrah.'

§  It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.



§  The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.



§  Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.



§  During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.



§  Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.



§  One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand.' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.



§  Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.



§  Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.



§  Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.



§  Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the  autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.



§  Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was halfGerman half Italian and half English. He was very large.



§  Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.



§  The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.



§  The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.



§  Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.



§  The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.



  a.. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers

What's red and invisible
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no tomatoes

....Jaysus !.... talk about a man being scorned ! luv it !!!

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field.

The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.

A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. "Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff. "Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you know how them politicians lie."



A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?

She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing.

To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"


One night after a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:

"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."


Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man’s sex life?
A. Because women know if he’ll eat one of those, he’ll eat anything!

Q. Why does a bride smile when she’s walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she’s given her last blow job.

Q. Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Q. What’s the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back?
A. A police horse.

Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
A. Yeah…now he has no ears.

Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog.
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A. Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.

Q. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless.

Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.